My Pride

Manipulation. The word has a new meaning to me as something I am realizing I've been completely sucked into lately. I have made the mistake of putting off studying God's word in a hardcore way this summer. God, forgive my pride in thinking I don't need Your Word to survive this life!! Because of this, I think I have failed to separate the soul and the spirit. What is my carnal man and what are the things that God has placed as pure desires in my life? It is so good to step out of a situation and realize why I was so mixed up and frustrated in the middle of it.

Now I am working on two things upon getting out of the trouble I basically asked for. One, it is crucial to fear God and not men. Why get to mixed up in what people think of me and how I come across when it is only God that I should be worried about. Two, God can make beauty out of my mistakes. My brokenness will be turned into beauty and I choose to trust in that.

Hebrews 4:12-"For the Word of God is living and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart."

Matthew 4:4-"But He answered and said, "it is written, 'Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.'"

Think It Constantly

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths". Proverbs 3:5-6

I need strength to trust in Him. I want to acknowledge Him in all I do and trust Him completely. Even through the fear, doubt, or anger, I choose to trust in Him. He has my life in His hands. I desire to grow from my mistakes and become a stronger person through the difficult situations.

Psalm 121 and Part of 139

I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you --
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm --
He will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more.

It seems so easy to forget that God is completely concerned about my life and what is going on in it. He knows the problems and I have and exactly the situations I am in the middle of. I mean, seriously, He never sleeps. He knows all the hairs on my head. His plans for me were in place ages before I was even born. He cares about me so much that the number of thoughts He has about me are numberless...So why do I get worried about things so often? It seems easy and obvious when I think on these things. Thanks, God, for the reminder.

Nice....

I learned how to gavage a dove today. Normally when we feed birds, we teach them how to gape as they would for their mother. Once the mouth is open, a syringe can be put down the throat and food injected. Doves, on the other hand, are not gaping birds. Therefore, we have to take a syringe and put a two or three inch long thin metal tube onto it. Then we put it down their throat, into their crop (the place a bird stores food before it reaches the stomach), and fill it up. I enjoyed learning this new skill.

Philippians 2:14-15-"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world..."
So, God is talking to me about not complaining. First of all, what do I have to complain about? He has blessed me so immensely. Second, this verse hints at my not complaining being a way to be a light in the world. This is something I have given much thought to lately. My internship is one of the first workplaces I have had a lot of contact with people. This prompts me to consider how I can be a light to the world and how I am set apart. I think not complaining and being joyful in the midst of all things is a big part of this.

Clarifying the Weakness

My strength is made perfect in weakness...
My grace is sufficient for you....
In my weakness He is strong....

I've been struggling with, digging through, and exploring this verse for about two months ago. God obviously wants to get it into my head. It stuck out to me a few weeks before a conference, was the theme of a conference I went to, was the theme at youth and bible studies several times, and constantly pops into my head when my weaknesses are apparent. Something which comes up fairly regularly as of late it seems.
So, my Mom tells me about a book she read concerning personality types. I was very interested and began reading it today. From a quote I got from the book, I felt like I had had an epiphony. I think God is finally bringing all of this together....
"Because temperment is built into you at conception, temperment change is not possible. But changing your weaknesses is another story. As we will see, God, through the Holy Spirit, will provide strength for every human (or temperment) weakness. The result will be an increase in your strengths and how God can use you and a decrease in the impact of your weaknesses".

Enduring

"To earlier generations, securing our rights was just a means to ensure we can focus on humbly pursuing God's will. To many of us today, invoking our rights is the opposite: It's a way to arrogantly decree ourselves the only legitimate deciders of moral issues."
This a good reminder to what my real rights are. The one thing I fight for is the ability to glorify Jesus Christ. Forget about all my other rights....

Well, He continues to break me down and rebuild me. Dude, it stinking hurts, but if it brings me closer to Him, bring it on! Searching for how I keep Him first in my life and also pursue life fully at the same time. Clinging tightly to the promises He gives me and trusting Him to cause the rest to fall into place.
"Finally my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, against the rulers of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace, above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints..."

1-My strength is solely in Jesus Christ.
2-The things I struggle with are spiritual things, whether they be feelings or insecurities, etc.
3-I want to be standing at the end of these battles. In the strength of Jesus Christ, it is possible.
4-Praying always. Once again, perseverance is emphasized. God is showing me so much about this word. Keep going. Never stop running the race He has set before us, always looking to Him.

Hmm, the concept of patience. Can be exasperating. I see the opportunity, it lines up with God's word, but one thing is holding it back. Ah, I want so much to run all out for it. Let's do this thing. I'm ready. Yet I'm being tied to a darn chair....:)

.....

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 1 Corinthians 4:17

I've never had something quite this difficult in my life before. I thought last semester was crazy. That was a piece of cake compared to this. Introduce actual living people into the mix and all of life becomes a whole different ball game.

Striving for holiness without which no one will see the world.
I've been asking God what this means. I never quite understood before. I finally do and realize how much harder it is to put into practice than I thought it would be.

Boasting in my weaknesses.
This is another one I thought would be easy. No way. The fear of rejection and judgement gets in the way all together too much.

Teaching

Good late night discussion last night on whether God has an ultimate plan for life or if it is just do the best with what we are given...Got a great verse about God completely taking our lives and reshaping them.
The word which came to Jeremiah from the Lord, saying: 2 "Arise and go down to the potter's house, and there I will cause you to hear My words." 3 Then I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something at the wheel. 4 And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make.
I hate looking back and thinking I may have run from something He was telling me in hopes of just making my life easier. Hmmm, I think not. Once again going back to elementary education believe it or not. God has really placed a desire to serve younger kids-2nd grade range-that are easily influenced and can be shown the love of Jesus. Sure, it will set me back in my graduation plan, but I am tired of running away from what His will might be.

Africa, Verses, and Girlyness

Africa Update: Up to the $655.00 mark. Talk about seeing God work in the process of raising money. My great-grandma who is in a retirement home showed my letter to her neigbors who decided to help me out. People I don't even know are sending donations. Talk about God having everything in His hands!
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? (Matthew 6:26 NIV)
Talk about a verse which you can find freedom in. How much do I worry about grades and tuition money and future career and the desire to serve God in missions? Way too much. God has everything in His hands-even the animals. And when it really comes down to it, how much more does He care for us as human beings? A lot. I think I can stop worrying!

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20
Satan and other enemies have set out to destroy, but God is turning it around. I get up and fight and use that attack against me to glorify Him. Last night at Bible study, we were talking about battles. Sometimes I get up in the morning, not ready for the day. I wonder what battles might come up and I feel discouraged. But I'm forgetting who I have on my side. Duh! :) Jesus is on my side of the war, and when I wake up in the morning and remember that, I think Satan becomes a very fearful being.

I was just thinking about the whole bridesmaid thing today. And I thought, "OH MY GOSH! I WILL BE WEARING A DRESS AND MAKEUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!". So, if you are new to my blog or just don't really know me, you won't get what I am saying. I'll attempt to put it into perspective for you. Last time I wore a skirt was at graduation in May, because I was forced to by a dress code. Before that was camp, um, three years ago for another picture dress code. As far as a dress goes....I was probably seven last time I wore one. Oh, except for that time I was co-erced into wearing one when I was hanging out with some friends and some crazy person thought it would be "fun" to try on prom dresses.
Makeup next. I never wear it. My parents let me start wearing it when I was sixteen. Since then I can probably count the number of times I have put it on with one hand. I found out it was nothing special. The last time someone put on my makeup, it was bad. Again, I was forced into it by a crazy person who thought it would be "fun". My eye started having spasms. Dude, why do girls stick pencils on their eyeballs? Come to think of it, these days I guess guys do it also. It hurts! Anyway, my eye was wacking out so much I ended up looking like a raccoon. So, all that preface to say I can't believe I am going to be wearing a dress and makeup in a wedding.
Now after the preface and exclamation comes a disclaimer: Once again, my sarcastic nature comes out. I am not seriously worried or bummed or irritated about being girly for a day. As a matter of fact, I am excited to "dress up" for a day. I've never actually worn a nice dress. I love my friend, M****** who is getting married, and I would wear a dress every day for her if it really meant a lot to her....As long as I could wear some jeans and chuck taylors underneath. :)

Seeking and Other News

"But seek first His kingdom"....
I have been wondering what exactly this might mean. The past few-quite a few-months have been caught up in me seeking something. I don't know exactly if I was seeking the right thing though. For example, I just go crazy wondering what His plan for me is with a career, where I will be with school, where I'll live next semester, who my friends will be, if I'll go to graduate school or veterinary school, and more recently questions about missions. I think all of these things were good things to wonder and seek God about, but in the flurry of the seeking these things I have neglected to seek His face. I looked too much at circumstances and plans and forgot quite a bit about just knowing Him more.
I often get scared that I will become that certain type of person I don't want to be if I stop trying so hard. I become afraid that I will never do anything for Him if I stop asking what He wants for me. Even in writing these two sentences down, I see how selfish they really are. Both involve my desires and personal satisfaction. I think I need to pick up some tunnel vision-with only Him in front of my eyes. :)
In order to focus on God more, it helps me to write all my worries down, put some plans on paper, and then try to leave it alone. Today, I made a graduation plan and figured out where things like research, missions work, and so forth will fit in. Now I am working on putting the piece of paper away, walking in these plans day by day, seeking Him. He may bring other things up. He may take that piece of paper, rip it into tiny pieces, and give me a new piece. :) But I know it will be a better plan. And along the way, I am just getting to know Him better, trying to stop wasting time, worrying, wondering, and sometimes even seeking.

In other news:
I am going to start writing for the newspaper again. I figure this will be a great way to build my portfolio in anticipation of possible graduate school!

School starts in five day. I am planning on taking seventeen credits. I will see how far I get with that one.

Thanks for all the feedback on my last post. It actually made me rethink a little bit. I still think that there is one person God has for each of us-if we are meant to get married. However, if for some reason, choose to....look the other way when that person comes along, I think there are others that are out there. It's not as if no one else is compatible or possible to get married to.

I forgot to post the names of the people who did the music in my last post. The first was Regina Spektor and the second was Blake Shelton.

New Music And A Future

I found some good new music videos!! They have nothing to do with each other. :)





Today marks seven days left....It is hard to believe it will be a month since I've been in school. It certainly doesn't feel that long! :)

So in a matter of about four days, I have heard the worst theory ever twice. Supposedly, God has no specific plan for any of us. We just go along in life, doing the best we can. What happens... happens. For example, I read an "article" saying that if a person is meant to be married, God doesn't have someone specific for them. One just gets to know people, finds a suitable person, and once they get married, that person is "The One". The second time I heard it, it was said that there couldn't be a specific person for everyone. What if that one person is on the other side of the world? How would we ever get to "The One". I say if we are meant to be married, and that one person is on the other side of the world, He will get us to the other side of the world one way or another. I should say that "The One" isn't foremost in my mind. Rather, I am concerned with the thought that God doesn't have an absolute plan for us. Sure, we can choose to go against the plan, but I refuse to believe He put me on this earth with no plan or purpose!! I may not know exactly why He has me doing what I am doing right now. I may not understand why He takes me through this crazy stuff. I do know that He will bring me through and keep His promises. To give me a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11-"For I know the THOUGHTS that I think towards you, says the Lord. thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a FUTURE AND A HOPE.

Trust

Psalm 22:4-5
In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.

They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

Psalm 22:19
So that your trust may be in the LORD,
I teach you today, even you.

Psalm 37:5-7
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

Psalm 16:20

Whoever gives heed to instruction prospers,
and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD.

Basically, my life is all about trusting God right now. Finding my rest in Him despite the circumstances. Come to think of it, life since turning 18 has been like that. Yet me in idiotic human state :) has just not realized it until lately. I thought I was "going through a hard time" and I just had to keep persevering. True, yet the main thing was trusting Him. The thought of how much harder I made things on myself makes me cringe. This six months have been crazy. I had some really hard stuff go on with...well, with everything. With my Mom, with my Dad, with my sister, with friends, with someone who wanted to be more than a friend, with school, with school, and with school. The point is to give it all to Him! All of it. My fears, my dreams, desires, hopes, failures, and successes. Absolutely everything.

I've really been struggling with being content with the prospect of College of the Ozarks constantly dangling in front of my nose. It's like putting a bowl of ice cream in front of me while I'm trying to do homework. It does not work. I can't concentrate! :) The point is to be content where I am at now. Trust that God really does has a plan. I can't see it right now, but He's got it in His hands.

When you're lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
~Third Day "Cry Out to Jesus"