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Some Thoughts

I have a frustration. That frustration is when people update the world every waking minute with their multitude of uncontrolled feelings. My preference is a "feelings in control" type of existence. With the whirlwind of life going on the past few months, I have utterly failed in my attempts to "control life". Sounds suspiciously of God showing more of his greatness to me...
Anyway, because of my propensity to insist on control, I think I fail to be honest with how I feel or what is going on. I may say things are hard, but I'll be okay. This is true, but in all honesty, sometimes it doesn't really feel like it will all be okay. I have decided to attempt a new approach to this crazy phenomenon entitled life. Balance! Hehe....a novel idea, I'm sure. Anyway, a balance between being up front and honest with people about what is going on and working through the things that are going on in order to come to a healthy, correct place.

So, here goes the attempt at balance.....
#1-Frustration: It feels like my best friends have moved to another country. I suppose they sort of have. To the country of "Ihaveaboyfriendnow". My 2 besties are utterly happy in relationships that started in the past 1 to 3 months. And my sis, E, is also happy with her awesome guy who rocks the mullet. :) I am happy for them. I pray for growth and blessing in those relationships, but I admit some frustration at the timing of their blessings. Selfish? Most possibly yes, but I feel like I have never wanted a friend more than I do now, and they are most definitely otherwise occupied. Everyone has their significant other except mine who is also in another country. This one called "Navyshipshavezerowaystocommunicate".
I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.

#2-People just don't get it. I understand that most of the world has never done this, so you have an excuse to be idiotic, but please understand, world, that you piss me off sometimes. Just because my husband is "only" gone for 6 months doesn't make it a million times easier. I miss him even when he isn't in Afghanistan, a more dangerous place than he is now. Please don't think I am exaggerating when I talk about missing him.I know we've only been married a few months, but that doesn't mean I don't notice most hours of the day that I am alone, without my other half with me or somewhere closer than a few continents away. I am sorry you and said significant other had an argument, but, honestly, I would give just about anything to have an argument with my guy right now. It would be a priviledge to talk to him. Even if we were yelling a little bit.... :) I hold it together well most of the time, but I will admit to feeling like I'm losing it.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.

#3-God, sometimes I feel like you don't "deserve" my trust. Okay, before I get "struck by lightning", let me clarify. I know that what I feel doesn't make sense, but sometimes I honestly just feel that way. Where are you in some of these thing that happen? B going missing and then learning a few days later we will never see her smile again. S's baby desperately clinging to life. Seeing people we love struggling with pain and sickness. Girls counting down the days only to learn their guy is never coming back. What does your sovereignty mean in all of this madness? Sometimes it is extra hard to see you, God....
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."

No Words

A Little Pink In a World of Camo

Yesterday it is when he gets back. Today it is he is not coming back. This whole thing could be done if we just knew they would come back. But sometimes we won't know.

Daddy Daughter Dance

Too fun!!! :) Thanks, Daddy.

Blatant Honesty

Can I be brutally honest? Stop saying the things that I know I should say or do the things that I know I should do and just have a freak out session. No, I'm not really asking permission. I'm just issuing a warning.

Could one thing go right? Please? Just one thing? God, I don't get why you are doing all of this. None of it makes sense. I keep hearing all about your love and how I can trust you and how you will always be there for me, but honestly, I totally don't feel it right now. At all. Everything is falling apart. People are falling apart. The world feels very heavy and sad. And I am struggling to find hope. And once I finally admit I need someone, there seems to be nobody there. So far all I've been successful at is a wild attempt to stay so busy I forget my problems. But that has failed miserably. My problems merely crash into my brain while I am sleeping. I try to steel myself and figure out a time frame of the amount of days I have to push through. But I fall on my butt the minute I realize how long I would have to be strong for.

God, I don't know what you're shooting for. I'll be honest: I give up. I give up on saying the right thing at the right time. I give up on words that have no meaning. I give up on a fake smile. I cling to the hope that it will be better and there will be rest. That you will speak and the world will be as it should be with people in the places they should be. Until then, I leave the rest up to you. You have to show up and help.

Confessions of a Twenty-Something Anti-Drama Queen

On my way to Springs Friday night, I pulled the ultimate female version of the bachelor. One, I get off work around 4:45. Although I had showered that morning after PT, I felt as if I could use another shower after hugging dogs all day. My sixth sense told me that the people I would be seeing in Colorado Springs that night wouldn't be the biggest fan of "El Doggie" perfume direct import from GA Health Care....So, rather than drive "all the way" across town to my during the week home to shower, I took a more direct route to the university gym. Where I proceeded to take a shower at the girl's locker room. I picked the perfect time-theoretically after girl's softball got out and before all the rock climbers-before the showers were rampant with people. So, I could shower in the barracks-esque showers in peace and privacy. My female version of the bachelor varies in that a bachelor may not have given a rip or a thought to the last point.

Part two: I had some time before I needed to be in Colorado Springs. And I was hungry. So for a grand total of three dollars and 4 something cents, I got a double cheeseburger, sundae, and french fries from the infamous Mickey D's. And I sat in a booth, eating my grease, reading a book, and halfway watching McDonald's TV which is not a fictional notion by the way...

Part 3 of my night isn't so much bachelorette as it is creepy ghost-town like. I had an appointment for an MRI at 7:15 at Fort Carson. 7:15 as in 1915. As in 7:15 pm. Weird....Anyway, I finally find the correct entrance after walking around the whole entire hospital, trying to find my way through the construction maze. I walk in and find a soldier receptionist lady. She points out the MRI wing to me. I walk in and feel like I have entered a Halloween version of House, just waiting for some zombie anesthesiologist to jump out and kill me with a scalpel. After wandering around the dark halls a bit, an x-ray technician finds me and tells me to wait in a waiting room. A dark waiting room with no one else in it. So I wait....And wait....A while later, the MRI tech comes and finds me and leads me down another dark hall. Now, conspiracy is going through my head! ;) In any case, I got some scrubs on, entered the MRI tube, listened to cool alarm like noises for twenty minutes, almost fell asleep, and was suddenly done.

The end. :)

Awesome Randomness

The study of animal poop is called scatology. I think I will be a certified scatologist at the end of my zoo internship according to my hours observing it. AKA raking and shoveling it. You've got kangaroo, bat, elk, zebra, ostrich, lion, penguin.....and the list goes on. :D

So, the combination of a kick butt PT workout and the kick butt coldness of the outdoors caused my sweat to evaporate off me, condensate on my beanie, gloves, and ponytail, and promptly freeze. I looked like a walking snowflake. :)


The Wally World oil changing people failed in their attempt to screw me.....I paid for fuel injection and didn't get it. I interpreted the receipt succesfully and got my money back. Genius!!!! Except I need to figure out where to get fuel injection service done.....

So far....

....this week.

-Passed my first PT test!!! :D Stressful, but fun once I got it beat.

-Stuck my hand in a snake cage. That was my brave thing for the day....Ew, snakes are creepy!

-Had a 4 year old say I was her favorite thing she saw at the zoo. Bwa haha!!!!

-Cut my hand with a hacksaw. Yes, tool Nazis, I am capable of using sharp tools..... :P

-Finished month 1 of deployment. It's been a hard few weeks. I haven't talked to L for a few weeks. And I seem to go back and forth between being sad/frustrated/abnormally emotional and deciding to stop caring, because it won't change anything anyway. Must find a balance between the two maybe....

List of To Not Do's

Do not:

-Forget to take out earrings when wearing uniform.

-Put a pbj in your backpack for any longer than 1 hour. You won't recognize it if it is there any longer than that. I blame the immunology textbook....

- Wear non-waterproof non-boot type shoes to a cow dairy.

-Set facebook mobile to send updates to your cell phone at all hours of the day. And night. Some people are online at 3 am. Seriously.

-Work at a zoo if you do not like poop. I have seen many types of poop. Camel, pig, chicken, bunny, monitor lizard, turtle, reindeer. And it is only week 3....

-Expect to get away not knowing that complement is in the order C1q, C1r, C1s, C4a and b, C2a and b, C3a and b, C5 a and 6, C6, C7, C8, C9 with C3a and C5a being powerful anaphylotoxins, C3b being a opsinization inducer, and CD59 preventing this on human cells. Yes, it all means something. I think.....

-Expect to get away with going to sleep at 8:30 pm on a regular basis without being razzed. To a great extent.

Superhero PJ Night!!!!!

Announcement, announcement!!! Tuesday night is superhero pj night. :D Yes, Luke and I have matching pjs, courtesy of the awesome madre y padre. No shame, no gain. Or something like that.... :D

Introducing....

.... a blog that Luke created. Luke and I have not had too much luck with communicating since he has been gone. With the exception of the last day or two....
First, we realized that we can catch each other online at my 5 am and his 9 pm. So, we try to IM when we can.
Second, he got a phone card!!!!! :D I have had a few 2 or 3 minute conversations with my guy. It is really good to hear his voice and know that I am not imagining his existence. ;)
Third, a new blog!!! What a cool idea. He created a blog where we can both post! I was quite impressed with his ingenuity! ;)

In other news, the semester has begun. It will be quite the busy one as I am working part time, doing two part time internships, taking an immunology class as well as ROTC. I am hoping that the semester flies by in a blur of excitement, adventures, and challenges. When it is over, praying that it will be possible to go to Okinawa somehow and see my love. :)

Crazy Whirlwind of 2009

So, I thought I would have time to post each day up until the wedding. That turned out to be far from the truth with a crazy whirlwind of California/Pennsylvania family, Scottish friends, finding and losing flowers, Rockband, Christmas Eve services, Christmas day, table and chair transporting, dress cleaning, hair doing, ice cream buying....Let's just say there was lots to do in a short amount of time and blogging completely left my brain for a week.

And now it is officially the second to last day of 2009. I am going to end this blog's year with some of the high points. By the way, voting best year on record so far.... ;)
-Jumping off South Point cliff-the southernmost tip of the United States-into the ocean.
-Hugging Luke after waiting 9 months for a hug. (The best part about a 9 month deployment is the first time you see them again.)
-Landing a job at an animal clinic and getting super close to finishing up my hours.
-Stepping foot in the Caspian Sea.
-A 5:07 am proposal at Liberty Point on June 26th. I said yes. :)
-Getting into KSU's vet program. (I decided to wait for CSU mostly because of tuition costs.)
-Exploring and getting into trouble in Eastern Europe/Scandinavia with two of the best explorer friends ever. Em-Tay and Miss Bond.
-Beach camping in a secret Hawaiian valley which included beach showers, Tarzan tree swinging, scary stories, and terriyaki hot dogs. Believe me, it all goes together.

2009's award will be entitled "Year of Random, Awesomely Epic Events"

Seven Days....

...until the wedding.

WHAT I'M DOING
-Drinking energy drinks. Situation #1-Monster. Green. Yesterday. Hand epilepsy. Crack dreams minus the purple elephants. Actually, it really could have been real crack...
Situation#2-Walmart had free samples of five hour energy. Ya, within 15 minutes hand epilepsy and a feeling of disembodiment returned.

WHAT I'M THINKING
-No more energy drinks. Ever. Again. Not really, I am addicted to the crack in them...

On a completely non-wedding related note which is a comfortable change of mind pace....I am getting close to getting my vet hours finished. I am shooting for Colorado State University for fall of 2011. I have discovered that the average applicant has 1000 hours of vet animal experience and 1000 hours of animal experience. I have a mere 180 hours left at the clinic I work at. Additionally, I plan to kick out my 670 animal hours remaining in my 2 internships this next semester. I am so excited for next semester. The agenda includes....
-Immunology (Trying to keep my feet wet in academics according to my adviser)
-ROTC (Looking at the possibility of MedCorps scholarships for vet school later. This also seems like a good way to beef up the applications for vet school.)
-Work at the veterinary clinic I've been at for 4 months now (First full time job like ever since I've been a full time student since pre-school it seems.)
-Dairy internship (On weekends. I get to milk cows. :D)
-Zoo internship (Still working on those animal hours....)

My plan is to be done with all my hours by then end of this upcoming summer.

Eight Days...

...until the wedding.

WHAT I'M DOING
-Sitting on the couch on the internet.
-Coming up with amusing facebook status updates to make someone laugh and leave me a good comment.
-Not watching the Broncos game. I hate watching football....

WHAT I'M THINKING
-Ya, this is weird.
-Ya, I should so have so much more than this accomplished.
-Ya, I'm so gonna have a nervous break down.

QUOTE FOR TODAY
Reading "The Time Traveler's Wife". I like it probably because I think I so get Clare....

"It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays. I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winter. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?"

Thoughts On....

Flowers
-Why is something that grows from dirt and merely needs to be cut off from its life source with a pair of scissors so frickin' expensive? So far, my bouquet will cost $70.00. Time to walk down the aisle with some dead twigs. Maybe I could pretend to be making a statement....

- I will go to City Market the day before and make an attempt to get flowers for the tables. If there are none, well....there's no flowers on the tables. I promise, ladies and gentlemen, the world will NOT end.

Animal Experience Hours
-I have 180 vet hours left!!!!!!! :D That is the good news. The bad news is I have 670 animal hours left. The good news is I have two or three possibilities for places to get my hours.

-Option #1-Dairy. I am SO excited. No really. I may get to milk cows. Oooh.....I know, I know, all the legit dairy people can commence laughing at my naivety.

-Option #2-Pueblo zoo.... :D I sent in my resume yesterday to be the official pooper scooper and all around zoo vet shadow.

Texting
-It's retarded and should not be used as an excuse to communicate without inconvenience.

-It's a cop out. Grow up and learn how to communicate with your mouth.

-May consider listening to myself and boycotting. Hmmm....

Blog Resurrection?

Could this be a blog resurrection? Perhaps.....I have said this once or twice before, and it really did not happen. However, I have an urge to write again. Bleed onto paper, dear friends! Well, not quite that intense, but let the inside out I suppose. ;)

Even though I will not have any past readers curious about the changes in my life, I will pretend that I do and update concerning my current life regardless of the reader quota.

1) I am getting married in 2 weeks, 5 days, and 18.5 hours approximately. I know, I know, last you all heard, I was seeing my boyfriend again for the first time in 9 months. What can I say? I guess we can prove the truth of "absence makes the heart grow fonder".

2) Speaking of absence, I get to see L again in 3 days and 5 hours. I swear, my entire life is a countdown these days. We will spend a week in glorious 29 Stumps and from there get on a plane *together* for the first time ever and head back to Colorado to have a wedding shindig. Then two days later, we will head back to glorious 29 Stumps for a few days. From there, he will deploy to Asia and I will return home to *crossing fingers* finish my vet and animal experience hours.

3) I still love Peach-O's. The sugar crunching under my teeth and the rubbery gumminess being swallowed whole into my tummy is an experience never to be grown out of.

4) I joined a fight club. For a short time. While I enjoyed the opportunity inflict pain and make boys cry, I got tired of the either/or attitude. Either, you're the only girl here so I'm gonna hit on you every night. Hit as in hook up. Not hit as in hook punch. Or, you're the only girl here so I'm not really gonna hit you. Cause you're a girl. In conclusion, it was fun. I got my butt kicked. I kicked butt, and I may someday return. May.

5) My life is closer to full time work than full time school. For the first time in my existence. I needed animal experience hours to get into vet school, so I'm taking a class or two each semester and working mostly. I love school....Work is a little more lame. Except I need to eat. Although ramen noodles and PBJ's kept me alive for quite a while. *contemplates giving up the dream of vet school and becoming a lifetime student*

Brain Transplant

The weirdest thing about my life right now...I have spent significant parts of my life in a place and undergoing thing that no one I know here in C-town is aware of. I don't say that in a flippant way; I I say it to try to explain some frustration. The only people who experienced what I experienced for the last five months of my life are either in another state or another country all together. My brain is telling me that is has undergone a complete transformation. In fact, I may have a totally new brain. Trying to explain this transplant is something I cannot get into the right terms. Sometimes the only thing that relays change and the things I have gone through is the evidence of the fruit of that change. So, here I come world....

So, this is random. Once upon a time, I met this guy...We hung out for two weeks and he left for another state. Even more random, I went down to that state for five days to visit. Then about a month later he headed off to Iraq. About 3 months after that, I headed out for the most random adventure of my life. Well, 9 months has passed since then. Nine months since I have seen this guy that I'm *ahem* crazy about. In less than a week, I will see him again. What a thought. Glad my brain underwent a transplant. My old one would have conked out by now with all the processing it is undergoing....

Hello, Home!!

I have returned to the United States of America. What a good feeling it was to look out my window on the plane and see land that I knew was only a few hours from home. Five months has flown by in retrospect and was a little slow in the midst of it. Whatever the case may be, I am super blessed to be home and see my family. The icing on top is that my sis, E, was in town for a few days so I get to see her. And the cherry on top? L is coming in for post-deployment leave in a matter of 14 freaking days!!!! :D

May you wake up every day and say today is the best day of my life. This is my new goal. There is only one day like today, and I intend to make the most of mine...


And now I am off to finish up the cleaning of my room. It took me all day yesterday to unpack, do laundry, and make my room liveable after it had served as a storage area. It is so nice to have a little space to myself.

Thoughts

I once said that it is a choice between making yourself numb and feeling the cuts. It is a difference between not running and your lungs feeling nothing or running and letting your lungs scream for oxygen. My mouth feels like it is full of metal, and I feel the muscles in my leg with each stride. But the satisfaction and feeling of being alive that I get after running those 13 miles makes it all worth it. So I make the choice to feel that pain. In that, I have also made the choice to feel. Which in actuality, I have realized, is a choice to live.
Then I realize that this is completely different in action than it is in words. When your heart physically hurts--feels full of lead--you realize maybe you'd rather not let yourself be cut. When swallowing and holding tears back is a chore you realize maybe that 13 miles is a bit too long. I go numb because handling the whole weight of it is something I cannot stand up under. Then I see you and my mind screams against everything. I love you so much I wish I could fix the hurt. I do not want you to be numb, but I do not want you to feel cut. Please let me see you, but I am afraid of you being broken.
Sometimes I believe that the whole earth is full of His glory. That is after I see a sunset or watch the waves crash on the rocks. Sometimes I believe we are too broken to hold His glory. This is after I see what we do to each other. Then I realize the Spirit of the Lord is upon me. It is upon me as a broken person. It is upon me as a numb person. There is beauty in this world. There is pain. What will I look at? Will I look at the justice or the injustice? I will dance upon injustice and praise Him for the justice. I will see the beauty. The waves crashing on the rocks. The orange and purple sunsets. The look I remember in my Osiemo's eyes when we were swing dancing. The feeling I get when I think of feeling the weight of His presence.

I.....

I....

-currently live on an active volcano in the middle of the ocean.

-am done with the homework assignment due Monday.

-do not have 5 am work duty until Monday. Woo hoo!!!!!!!!!

-am thinking about going to the Korean church in Hilo tomorrow. That or the oldest church on the island....

-have the cutest 2 month old baby...second cuz or cuz once removed. Whatever she is, she is adorable.

-am thinking it is amazing to live among people from so many different countries.

-am hearing His voice and am excited to hear more.

-am trusting in His provision.