Bye

I leave in approximately 11 minutes to drive to Denver and fly to Pasco, Washington. I am heading out there for a friend's wedding and to visit with some family I have not spent any significant amount of time with since heading out of the area. I will be out of the blogging world for a few days. See you all Tuesday!

Looking Back

Looking back at past notebooks I've kept, and realizing how much a situation can change us for good if we let God work. Praise God for turning the broken into the beautiful.

They say there is growth in pain and courage to be gained through experiencing fear. I will be scared but keep fighting. I'm not looking for perfection. I just don't understand why my relationship with God is always me breaking. Then I can only run to Him and have Him put me back together. I don't see how a person who is glued together and scarred is beautiful. He says it is, but I guess I would rather be ugly and whole.
And this isn't broken. This is waiting to be broken. This is waiting to be hurt. This is just biding time until what I feel is inevitable happens.
I woke up this morning and no one was home. Right away I thought about the next few years, what I might be doing, and how I might be alone. It's not like I'm constantly interacting with the people I love. I am just comforted by proximity and availability.
Yeah right to the next person who tells me to forget the past, keep moving on, and I will be restored. I'll never be restored when I break. I'll look broken and fixed all my life. Who I am is my brokenness. I'm shaped by the pain, mistakes, and letdowns in life. There's no being restored from those things. Maybe I'll always be fearful because one too many times have I been used for what could be had and left when something better came along. The product of being treated like that just doesn't go away. It becomes who I am.
I wish I could scrape off the pain that a situation could cause and put it in a jar. Then I'd scrape off the joy it produces and put it in another jar. I'd look and see which one had more in it. If there was more joy, I'd go for it and enjoy what I'd been blessed with. If there was more pain, I guess I'd just walk away and not live that aspect of life. Sure, I'd be alone, but there wouldn't be pain. Eventually I'd get used to it, and not feeling joy would be better than feeling pain.
I can't believe I got attached...Am I supposed to be attached? What am I supposed to feel like? Am I supposed to be fearful and not worried?
If it's not going to work, let's end it now. Before it becomes increasingly a part of my life, let's dig it up. Before it hurts more. But I'm not supposed to be fearful. Impossible. Every part of me is fearful at this point.

So, that was impressively non edited. I only took out a few things. I wrote this a while back in regards to a friendship I had that was really hurtful. It is good to look back at this though and see how I've changed. I am back to embracing brokenness, because I know that the way I treat it dictates how it shapes me. Embracing the joy and difficulties in life causes me to grow. Pushing it away and trying to avoid it can cause bitterness. I realize that God is capable of making anything beautiful regardless of the ugliness that sin can bestow on it.

Fascinating!

"That's because some sense of dignity always remains in them. They're still human beings. But they've been taught to seek themselves in others. Yet no man can achieve the kind of absolute humility that would need no self-esteem in any form. He wouldn't survive. So after centuries of being pounded with the doctrine that altruism is the ultimate ideal, men have accepted it through others. By living second-hand. And it has opened the way for every kind of horror. It has become the dreadful form of selfishness which a truly selfish man couldn't have conceived. And now, to cure a world perishing from selflessness, we're asked to destroy the self. Listen to what is being preached today. Look at everyone around us. You've wondered why they suffer, why they seek happiness and never find it. If any man stopped and asked himself whether he's ever held a truly personal desire, he'd find the answer. He'd see that all his wishes, his efforts, his dreams, his ambitions are motivated by other men. He's not really struggling even for material wealth, but for the second-hander's delusion — prestige. A stamp of approval, not his own. He can find no joy in the struggle and no joy when he has succeeded. He can't say about a single thing: 'This is what I wanted because I wanted it, not because it made my neighbors gape at me.' Then he wonders why he's unhappy. Every form of happiness is private. Our greatest moments are personal, self-motivated, not to be touched. The things which are sacred or precious to us are the things we withdraw from promiscuous sharing. But now we are taught to throw everything within us into public light and common pawing. To seek joy in meeting halls. We haven't even got a word for the quality I mean — for the self-sufficiency of man's spirit. It's difficult to call it selfishness or egotism, the words have been perverted, they've come to mean Peter Keating. Gail, I think the only cardinal evil on earth is that of placing your prime concern within other men. I've always demanded a certain quality in the people I liked. I've always recognized it at once — and it's the only quality I respect in men. I chose my friends by that. Now I know what it is. A self- sufficient ego. Nothing else matters."

-The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand

Think It Constantly

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths". Proverbs 3:5-6

I need strength to trust in Him. I want to acknowledge Him in all I do and trust Him completely. Even through the fear, doubt, or anger, I choose to trust in Him. He has my life in His hands. I desire to grow from my mistakes and become a stronger person through the difficult situations.

What the heck?!

Learning lots about the craziness of me in the past few weeks. For the first time in my life, I have no clue about anything. I am so used to having my ducks in a row and everything planned out essentially for the next eight years of my life. :) Due to the fact that God is good enough to rip me out of my comfort zone and confront me with some real life decisions, I realize that I have very little control of my mind. I have no clue what I am going to do starting in January. I don't know if I will be starting school, working to save for school, doing missions work... And since I don't know my mind rolls on and on in an attempt to figure it out even though that is impossible. I want to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and learn to spend mind time with him rather than mulling over the unknowns in life.

I am also realizing that I have never had to make any real adult decision in my life. It has always been default choices it seems. I go school where I am currently at because it was the only place I could afford. :) I live with my parents because it is the wisest financial decision at this point. I have been in relationships or out of them because they were evidently God glorifying or not. All of a sudden all the decisions in front of me do not seem so cut and dry. There are pros and cons to all of them, and I actually have to decide something. Whoa. God, give me wisdom to make the best decision. Once I make that decision give me to strength to walk in it fully.

A prerequisite to the graduate diploma program (YWAM) I am thinking about is to do a DTS (Discipleship Training School). I am praying about taking time off school to work in the areas I feel He has put on my heart: working with orphans and widows. My constantly going personality has caused me to blow through school in a very small amount of time, and I think the time may have come for me to take a break and serve Him with no school commitments.

Whoa!

Ah!!!!!!! I am quickly realizing how little time I have left in my summer. School starts August 25th which means I have four and a half weeks left. I leave in 8 days to visit WA for a friend's wedding. I will get back, have about a week to study, and take my GRE. That weekend I'm doing some camping with some of my homies. That signifies the beginning of the end. In other words, school starts a week after that. I am happy about my summer accomplishments with one exception: I have not read as much as I wanted to and I still haven't spent significant amounts of time with my best friend C. First I was gone in Longmont for two months and as soon as I got back, she left for Mexico. Sad day...

There is a huge time difference between Hawaii and Colorado. About four hours as a matter of fact. I am trying to reach a school over there to get information about a graduate program. I am looking at YWAM's graduate program in international health. I feel like it looks like a fantastic option. It takes me in the direction I feel God may be leading me in the past few months. Additionally, it is Christian based. Lastly, I will be able to get my master's as I have had the goal of doing ever since I started university.

Books....

The instructions:
Look at the list and:
Bold those you have read.
Italicize those you intend to read.
Underline the books you LOVE.

Even though I'm not an adult, I'm still doing it! ;)


1. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6. The Bible (Have not read in completion I don’t think. Not sure really…)
7. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8. 1984 - George Orwell
9. His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman (Read the first)
10. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11. Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12. Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14. Complete Works of Shakespeare (working on it)
15. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16. The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18. Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger (I don't get it)
19. The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20. Middlemarch - George Eliot

21. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22. The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33. Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34. Emma - Jane Austen
35. Persuasion - Jane Austen
36. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38. Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40. Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41. Animal Farm - George Orwell
42. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46. Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48. The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50. Atonement - Ian McEwan

51. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52. Dune - Frank Herbert
53. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68. Bridget Jones' Diary - Helen Fielding
69. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70. Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72. Dracula - Bram Stoker
73. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75. Ulysses - James Joyce
76. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78. Germinal - Emile Zola
79. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80. Possession - AS Byatt

81. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87. Charlotte's Web - EB White
88. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (not in completion)
90. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92.The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94. Watership Down - Richard Adams
95. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

I'm back...

So, I have re-entered the internet world. I was gone for several days while a friend was in town. We kept fairly busy and I had a great long weekend.

I saw Batman (Which was amazing for two reasons. First, it was at the drive-in which is on my "bucket list". Second, "The Dark Knight" was straight up a fantabulous movie).

Had a catch up day today. I haven't caught up on laundry, but I have caught up on replying to e-mails, working on school applications, studying for my GRE, shipping out some book orders, and doing some yard work. I can hardly believe it is already the early evening. Where does the time go?

Woo hoo!!!!! Sugarland's new CD just came out which I promptly bought on iTunes. Great stuff! They are also coming out to the state fair at the end of August. I just may have to blow a bit of money to go see them. ;)

I Disagree

*Edit* I had to post what Pam wrote in the comments on this post. I think it is great! Life is not a journey where we are never going to be hurt or influenced by others. We are certain to invest ourself in people and love more than one. Sometimes that love may or may not be reciprocated. Eventually that "one" may be found. When it is, it is going to be a commitment. Sometimes there will be a feeling and sometimes there won't be. May God give me the strength and wisdom to be patient for that person and recognize him when he arrives. :)

"I do believe we can find unforgettable love in what we view as "chance encounters" as we can not see the fullness of the view God sees. We may "happen" upon someone without knowing that this meeting was supposed to be. We can also find love to be forgettable if it in fact was never love, or if we have displaced the person as unworthy or less important when compared to another person or event.

The blessing of love can come out of seemingly no where, from the most unexpected person(s). The act of love can be part of a God designed relationship of the "one" He has chosen for us, or from others throughout our lives that may appear to be "the special one" or "a special one" because our hearts are drawn to something about them. It is in seeking God for discernment and direction that can help us know the difference.

I have sought love, felt love, been in love, loved with condition and loved unconditionally. Each love has been unforgettable (and some just plain painful)because a part of me was attached to each experience. Even those young "puppy love" experiences remain with me, as they were part of what and who I have become today.

When we pledge our love based on the feeling, we face a "falling out of love" which steals the commitment from relationships. When we determine that we will continue to love, whether we "feel" it or not, we purpose to remain bound to another until we can "feel" the love again. We also come to a deeper understanding that love is a word of action, not just of feeling. It is this kind of love that sees us through the good and bad of being "forever" beside and with the one we marry. We find our relationship that much stronger for holding firm through times of trouble and finding our love deeper than we imagined possible.

I believe that God does have one chosen for us. I also believe that if we choose another, He can and will bring blessings to that relationship. He knows the intent of our hearts. If we are willing to be patient and wait upon the Lord to bring us to "the right one" at "the right time" then we will find a truer and deeper understanding of His Love and what He has designed for you.

Don't throw out the other love moments in life because they are not this love. Each helps to give us a deeper knowledge and understanding of what love is, what it can be and what it should be."

So, I was reading a book last night and came across an interesting idea. "If love is to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it like birds to Francis of Assisi's shoulders". -The Unbearable Lightness of Being (A sad and depressing book about a couple's unfaithfulness to each other, but more on this later.)

I disagree with this statement. Love IS forgettable when we can just "choose" whoever we come across or just happen upon someone. It seems that the unforgettable comes when God purposefully blesses us with meeting another person. Through His guidance, we realize this is the person He created for us to be with. Any thoughts on this?

"Love is a commitment of the will to the true good of the other person. Otherwise, how could people getting married promise to love each other? You can't promise to have a feeling."
(See full article here.)

Finally!!

"The prosecutor of the International Criminal Court filed genocide charges Monday against Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir, accusing him of masterminding attempts to wipe out African tribes in Darfur with a campaign of murder, rape and deportation." (Corder, Mike)

Finally, finally, finally!!! At last someone is paying attention to what is going on in Darfur and making some sort of headway into changing the situation. Thank you, God, for answered prayers and for people who have made an attempt to draw attention to this issue.

Two day work week here I come!! :) I am looking forward to chilling out for a few days a whole lot. Thank you, Jesus, for rest and time off. But until then, I am praising Him for the ability to work and the opportunity to make money.

Have a great Monday!

Continued

Me :)

The summit of Greenwood Mountain looking at Rye, Colorado.

I decided to completely repost these two pictures. I had quite some trouble yesterday trying to get them to appear yesterday; therefore, I am adopting this new tactic.
Also, I attempted to find the grade of the climb we did; however was unable to find no information on the internet. I know however by calculating manually that it was 768.75 feet ascended/descended per 1%.

Greenwood Mountain

The Adventure of the Week: My friends and I decided to climb the highest peak in the Wet Mountains this Saturday: Greenwood Mountain. It is a a peak that is approximately 13,000 feet. The day started out at 4:15 when I got up to take a shower (more to wake me up than to get clean since I knew I'd be stinky in a matter of hours. :)) and eat an energizing breakfast. I headed out to my friend's house to meet and head to the peak. We ended up starting our ascent at 7:10. We summited at approximately 1:00 and had some lunch above timberline. We were blessed enough with some previous hikers who had made a cairn which provided shelter from the wind while we got some energy and rest. The descent took less time and we ended up finishing the journey in a matter of 8 hours. All in all, this 16 mile hike was a blast with my friends, Ian, John, and Ian's aunt and uncle, Steve and Jen. And who could forget Eden, the dog? :)

The whole party minus myself and Eden. Check out Ian and John's great feathers they picked up on the trail. He he...

The boys, Ian and John. Once again, note the Indian garb.

Me. :)

The Summit of Greenwood Mountain looking at Rye, Colorado.

Dum Dee Dum...

I went in to work with my Dad today since I wasn't scheduled at the farm or the veterinary clinic. I ended up helping out with some stone work which I enjoyed, because I had never worked with it before. Woo hoo for learning new skills! When we got home about 2:30, my Dad said he had to run some errands. I opted to throw my bike in the back and have him drop me off at the post office. I took in some packages and biked to the house I am "housesitting". I did some watering for about an hour and biked back up to my house. In all, I estimate that it was about 6 or 7 miles of bike riding. Therefore, I saved a few bucks on gas and contributed to cleaner air. I plan on making this a habit as much as I can.

I LOVE this song! It isn't the best quality, but maybe y'all can find it on iTunes if you enjoy it enough.

Sudden Realization

So, I have come to a realization: I thrive on being busy. Or being "productive" rather. This is one of those personality quirks that can easily be a strength, but often morphs into a weakness. In the past few days, I am realizing I am basically running on empty. I couldn't quite figure out why I was so tired and suddenly it struck me. Starting on June 24th, I worked ten days straight at the rehab center. Towards the end, I was having difficulty remembering what day it was...Then I got back on the 3rd and immediately proceeded to help my friends paint. For three days straight. Until very late at night. Then I started my new jobs. I am starting three new ones in a matter of four days. (I will be working likely an average or 40 to 50 hours a week, so it isn't that crazy.)
I came home and realized I was wiped. I haven't had any time to read books I've been trying to read, I have had little time to spend with God (or I have not made it a priority as I should), I have not had enough time to spend with my siblings since I've been back, and I have had zero time to do something as simple as lay on the grass and look at the summer clouds. Therefore, I started by telling my Mom she could not let me leave the house tomorrow after I get off work. I am coming home, taking a shower, maybe do some cooking, read a book, study a bit for my GRE...I work Friday and then I am taking two whole days to NOT WORK. What a concept. :)

A Long Weekend

Praise God for three day weekends! :) Several of my weekend adventures included making homemade ice cream with Aubry, painting until all hours of the night several times(my old roomies are moving into a new house), and setting off fireworks a friend got me from Wyoming.

AUBRY AND I MAKING ICE CREAM.



PATRICIA PEELING TAPE OFF THE WALL




CARLY DEMONSTRATING HER PAINTING MUSCLES ;)



Now that the week has started, I have begun one of my three summer jobs: working at an organic farm. It appears as if it will be quite an interesting experience. Today I was able to harvest quite a variety of veggies (and learn of some ones I was not aware of), hang garlic to dry, feed chickens and harvest eggs, and distribute veggies to a CSA (community supported agriculture). I also learned to drive a mule which is an awesome four wheel drive vehicle that is used to haul people and vegetables around a farm in a time efficient manner. The feeling of wind blowing in your face and the sun on your back is great. I also enjoyed the thought that I will get paid for playing in the mud... :) I think it is going to be an interesting second half of the summer!!

Bringing It Back...

Chivalry....bringing it back. So, I put thought into my comments yesterday concerning finch seed after two people mentioned what I said. I retract my statement about the fact that the guy working at Murdoch's should have let me carry at least one bag of seed. I have instead decided that he was my hero for the day and very sweet to help me out. Sure, I may be capable of carrying a bag or two of finch seed. I may be capable of laying a wood floor or unloading a few thousand square feet of tile. I may be capable of opening a door myself. However, God is growing me to see that I can honor men by allowing them to serve me. What an honor it is to let a guy do things just because he cares. I guess I am learning that just like some guys still need to learn to open doors for girls, some girls need to learn to let those doors be opened for them. ;)

So, my last day is tomorrow. I can hardly believe it. I am very excited to move back home and be near family and friends. I will, however, be sorry to say bye to the good friends I have made at Greenwood. I have not only learned a lot about being joyful in all situations, but also feel grateful for a once in a lifetime experience to work at a rehab center. Life is good!

Since I have had so much time on my hands lately, I have been a consistent blogger. However, as soon as I get back, things are going to get pretty busy. Tomorrow and Friday I will be helping my old roomies move into a new places (Sniff, sniff about not living with my most amazing friends anymore.). On Friday, my family is also having a big bbq/fireworks shindig. Somewhere in that mix, I need to make an attempt to do some laundry and unpack. Hopefully I will reenter the internet world and blog on Saturday. Until then, adios! :)

Psalm 121 and Part of 139

I lift up my eyes to the hills --
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip --
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you --
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm --
He will watch over your life;
the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forever more.

It seems so easy to forget that God is completely concerned about my life and what is going on in it. He knows the problems and I have and exactly the situations I am in the middle of. I mean, seriously, He never sleeps. He knows all the hairs on my head. His plans for me were in place ages before I was even born. He cares about me so much that the number of thoughts He has about me are numberless...So why do I get worried about things so often? It seems easy and obvious when I think on these things. Thanks, God, for the reminder.