Thoughts

I once said that it is a choice between making yourself numb and feeling the cuts. It is a difference between not running and your lungs feeling nothing or running and letting your lungs scream for oxygen. My mouth feels like it is full of metal, and I feel the muscles in my leg with each stride. But the satisfaction and feeling of being alive that I get after running those 13 miles makes it all worth it. So I make the choice to feel that pain. In that, I have also made the choice to feel. Which in actuality, I have realized, is a choice to live.
Then I realize that this is completely different in action than it is in words. When your heart physically hurts--feels full of lead--you realize maybe you'd rather not let yourself be cut. When swallowing and holding tears back is a chore you realize maybe that 13 miles is a bit too long. I go numb because handling the whole weight of it is something I cannot stand up under. Then I see you and my mind screams against everything. I love you so much I wish I could fix the hurt. I do not want you to be numb, but I do not want you to feel cut. Please let me see you, but I am afraid of you being broken.
Sometimes I believe that the whole earth is full of His glory. That is after I see a sunset or watch the waves crash on the rocks. Sometimes I believe we are too broken to hold His glory. This is after I see what we do to each other. Then I realize the Spirit of the Lord is upon me. It is upon me as a broken person. It is upon me as a numb person. There is beauty in this world. There is pain. What will I look at? Will I look at the justice or the injustice? I will dance upon injustice and praise Him for the justice. I will see the beauty. The waves crashing on the rocks. The orange and purple sunsets. The look I remember in my Osiemo's eyes when we were swing dancing. The feeling I get when I think of feeling the weight of His presence.