The Profoundness of Shells

So, this is what I am realizing...I came to do a DTS thinking I was nicely put together, totally on track. Maybe I was. In any case, God is either revealing how broken I am or breaking me down to reform me. I realize what I hid away, buried or tried to change about myself in order to change how I felt or stop feeling hurt. I tried to pretend things didn't effect me. I was to strong for it to get to me, right? No. Not that I should dwell in the hurt or bitterness, but rather that I should acknowledge it and realize that better is completely possible in giving the situations to Him and trusting Him for His results.
The world looks different than I thought really. God works totally differently than than this human world does. He goes against all natural instinct and preconceptions.
So (as I originally wrote this)...wow, I'm at the beach. It has become sinful to be in my room on a Saturday while in HAWAII. I was laying on the sand, and I decided to walk into the water. After picking up two vauna (sea urchins, just not the black ones!!!), I got bored. There was this little pool of water lined with sand. I stuck my hand in and raked up a handful. The excess water and sand dribbled over the side of my hands and through the gaps between my fingers. I was amazed when I took a close look. There wasn't just sand in my hands; there was also some of the tiniest shells I had ever seen. There were like a quarter or an eight of a centimer long (2 millimeters??? It has been too long since university. Ha ha!!!) I am afraid if I attempt to describe them, you will imagine something that isn't as original and creative as the teeny objects lying in the midst of the sand in my hands. Even as I look at them, they begin to grow dull since they are no longer wet. But I will attempt to do them justice....
First, there is one shaped like a cone. The lines on them travel from the bottom to cap off in a tiny blob at the top. It reminds me of tiny circus tent made of pink and white alligator skin. The second one is almost like a tiny conch shell. The base color is like coffee with creamer in it, but someone has taken a microscopic tool and etched lengthwise dark brown trails in it. The third one looks like something an architect would have designed (Guess God is the ultimate architect, huh?) for a modern business building. It is a green blob overlaid with black. It looks like scratch art where someone scratched the upper layer of black off in symmetrical lines to reveal the underlying green. The last piece is probably a piece of a broken shell. It looks like the surface of another planet-purple ground with little white mountains on it.
As I look at these shells, I am told I have some sort of resemblance to them. I am small and often not seen. He sees me every moment of every day though. And when I am seen, I can have a big impact on someone's life.
Conclusion? All creation cries out His praise!! :)

Thoughts

I once said that it is a choice between making yourself numb and feeling the cuts. It is a difference between not running and your lungs feeling nothing or running and letting your lungs scream for oxygen. My mouth feels like it is full of metal, and I feel the muscles in my leg with each stride. But the satisfaction and feeling of being alive that I get after running those 13 miles makes it all worth it. So I make the choice to feel that pain. In that, I have also made the choice to feel. Which in actuality, I have realized, is a choice to live.
Then I realize that this is completely different in action than it is in words. When your heart physically hurts--feels full of lead--you realize maybe you'd rather not let yourself be cut. When swallowing and holding tears back is a chore you realize maybe that 13 miles is a bit too long. I go numb because handling the whole weight of it is something I cannot stand up under. Then I see you and my mind screams against everything. I love you so much I wish I could fix the hurt. I do not want you to be numb, but I do not want you to feel cut. Please let me see you, but I am afraid of you being broken.
Sometimes I believe that the whole earth is full of His glory. That is after I see a sunset or watch the waves crash on the rocks. Sometimes I believe we are too broken to hold His glory. This is after I see what we do to each other. Then I realize the Spirit of the Lord is upon me. It is upon me as a broken person. It is upon me as a numb person. There is beauty in this world. There is pain. What will I look at? Will I look at the justice or the injustice? I will dance upon injustice and praise Him for the justice. I will see the beauty. The waves crashing on the rocks. The orange and purple sunsets. The look I remember in my Osiemo's eyes when we were swing dancing. The feeling I get when I think of feeling the weight of His presence.

The Last Few Weeks Summarized in Sentences

Is the life I am living worth Jesus dying for?

Satan often attacks the gifts God has for us or strengths He has given us. They are often twisted into fears.

God sees our lives differently than we do. I see the present and past. He sees the future. He sees me in the midst of my struggles and failures!

Fear is misplaced trust.

Do I have faith in my ability to have faith or do I have faith in Him?

The tighter we hold onto something (think of sand), the more slips through our fingers. The more tightly we hold to our lives or desires, the more we lose.

I can spend my whole life trying not to be somebody. Or I can spend my life seeing what God has for me and becoming it.

You don't find His power until you find the end of yourself.

The goal of the Book is to know the author.

If it's not for sale, don't advertise it (modesty).

What does it mean for believers to be salt and light? Revelation and preservation to the world!

A culture has never had a multi-generational revival. Why? Because the generations need to be reconciled.

The News for the Week

Five weeks down with only seven to go. C (who has done a DTS before) told me it would fly by, but I wasn't sure how much I really believed her initially. The first few weeks went by fast in a way, but also dragged I suppose. I take a long time to get to know people, so the first few weeks were a lot of work and really tired me out. I have finally gotten used to this place and time has begun to fly by.

I am learning while two actions may look exactly the same from the outside, the inside motives can be completely different, causing different results. I am learning that the goal in life is not to become a Christian and win as many people to Jesus as we can. The point is not to do something good with our lives. The meaning is not to leave some sort of lasting impression on the world. The whole point of life *drumroll* is to love Jesus with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. From that love, all other things overflow. We learn how to love others. We gain a desire to obey Him. We learn what His heart is like and want ours to be like His.

In lighter news....geckoes fall on people's heads here. It is so cool. I had one fall on my leg earlier this week. It was a cute little baby. I live for this gecko falling phenomena. Talk about excitment when it occurs.
Also, there are tsunami alarms around here. They are supposed to go off the first of every month at noon as a test. Well on February 2nd at 11:45 am the tsunami test alarm went off. Maybe it was really a tsunami. But the town is still around, so I figure Hawaii is just uber chill. :)
I'm making crepes for my DTS. Mom, try not to laugh, but, yeah, I'm cooking. For other people. And they're gonna eat it. The food I cook. And they won't die. Or at least I'm not planning on it. Ha ha!!