Spring Break

Okay, so we all headed up to the cabin on Sunday night just to chill. It was a blessing to all of us. We all needed some time to chill and just do nothing. On Monday morning, it was amazing to escape off into the woods and talk to God.
Talk about intense snowball fights. Bwa ha ha! I got a few people pretty darn good. Oh, and, uh, I was got pretty darn good too. I also had a dead snake tossed at me. Wow, that was a first in a lifetime. Hopefully once in a lifetime too.
Rock climbing. Patricia and I beat the boys at that. Girl power! We scaled sheer rock faces. Bwa ha ha!
Stayed up until the wee hours talking about deep things and doing crossword puzzles. Yes, it was at the same time.
The genius of college kids...

Clarifying the Weakness

My strength is made perfect in weakness...
My grace is sufficient for you....
In my weakness He is strong....

I've been struggling with, digging through, and exploring this verse for about two months ago. God obviously wants to get it into my head. It stuck out to me a few weeks before a conference, was the theme of a conference I went to, was the theme at youth and bible studies several times, and constantly pops into my head when my weaknesses are apparent. Something which comes up fairly regularly as of late it seems.
So, my Mom tells me about a book she read concerning personality types. I was very interested and began reading it today. From a quote I got from the book, I felt like I had had an epiphony. I think God is finally bringing all of this together....
"Because temperment is built into you at conception, temperment change is not possible. But changing your weaknesses is another story. As we will see, God, through the Holy Spirit, will provide strength for every human (or temperment) weakness. The result will be an increase in your strengths and how God can use you and a decrease in the impact of your weaknesses".

Enduring

"To earlier generations, securing our rights was just a means to ensure we can focus on humbly pursuing God's will. To many of us today, invoking our rights is the opposite: It's a way to arrogantly decree ourselves the only legitimate deciders of moral issues."
This a good reminder to what my real rights are. The one thing I fight for is the ability to glorify Jesus Christ. Forget about all my other rights....

Well, He continues to break me down and rebuild me. Dude, it stinking hurts, but if it brings me closer to Him, bring it on! Searching for how I keep Him first in my life and also pursue life fully at the same time. Clinging tightly to the promises He gives me and trusting Him to cause the rest to fall into place.
"Finally my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, against the rulers of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace, above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God; praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication for all the saints..."

1-My strength is solely in Jesus Christ.
2-The things I struggle with are spiritual things, whether they be feelings or insecurities, etc.
3-I want to be standing at the end of these battles. In the strength of Jesus Christ, it is possible.
4-Praying always. Once again, perseverance is emphasized. God is showing me so much about this word. Keep going. Never stop running the race He has set before us, always looking to Him.

Hmm, the concept of patience. Can be exasperating. I see the opportunity, it lines up with God's word, but one thing is holding it back. Ah, I want so much to run all out for it. Let's do this thing. I'm ready. Yet I'm being tied to a darn chair....:)

Ouch

There is no distinction to be made between the spiritual and the secular. God applies to every area of life.

Making God first in our life is not about setting up a God idol in front of our eyes and trying as hard as we possibly can to see only it. It is about putting on the mindset of Christ. What do you think about this, God, should be the question/answer in all situations. This takes away so much defeat and frustration, because I don't have the strength in and of myself to constantly keep this God image in front of my eyes. He applies to all of life.

He seems to be tearing down all semblances of control that I felt I had. Okay, so I could 1) get good grades in school and 2) control my emotions. I am such a ducks in a row type of person. I do not show feelings, because I am in control of them. I can get these good grades and get to the place in life I want to be. Well, He's tearing both of these down right now. I feel like a wreck. What!? I have to pay attention to these crazy feelings and figure them out? I have to actually be in tune with my emotions. I am just not the typical girl. I like logic. Situation A presents itself, therefore, Solution B is what we do. Now that all my parameters and rulebooks and guidelines are out, I have to seek God in all of it, finding the balance between emotions and His will.

How long does this last...

The Answer

The wait is over. The answer was not exactly what I wanted, but it is what God wanted. And there is ultimate peace to be found in that assurance. The fact that I am living today where He wants me at gives me peace and joy. Getting what I want, but knowing it wasn't His will would not be a good place to be.
I have so much growing to do before I am ready to be in that place. God needs to be in the number one spot in my life before stepping out in that place. Until then I stay where He has me, content in the situation He has me in, not looking too far to the future, because I know He ultimately has it.
I spread out my hands to you; my soul longs for you like a thirsty land.

Life is Crazy

Thirty-six hours to go and the Gideon will have been pulled. I'm afraid of the results, but that is beside the point of all this. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind". Gideon started out fearful, but look what he ended up doing in God's strength. Amazing things!

Here is a first. I helped a Boy Scout get his Eagle Scout by ripping out fences and putting more up. I should have been a cowgirl...

I must remember to sit on a porch swing and read books about hobos with friends more often...

I am attempting to fill in the place of old friends with randomness. I gave a friend a happy birthday potato with candles in it. Score!

Sitting in the ER for five hours is not only boring but nonproductive. And tiring. She got bright green socks out of it which would be a plus. :)

To do list grows by the minute. Or class period. Here is how it goes for school so far:
-Take evo/eco test
-Take genetics test
-Take chemistry test
-Study for all three above tests
-Do chemistry homework problems
-Write up genetics case study
-Do calculus homework 4.3
-Do calculus homework 4.2
-Write up chem lab report
-Write up pre lab chem report
And I still have three more classes today. :) We'll see what else I can add to this.

Life on a Friday

So, if there was any uncertainty before as to whether or not I really was a geek...I mean you may have thought I had some slight tendencies towards geekiness, but could possibly mask them over. Hmm, well, scratch that all off the record. It is official. And even recorded. I am now a member of the national chapter of Beta Beta Beta, an honor society for those interested in furthering biological sciences and research in this area of science. He he...I went to an induction ceremony last night. I joked about there being candles and pledges. Little did I know that there really would be candles and pledges. At least I didn't have to raise my right hand as I said it. To top it off, I got home and had to break into my house because I forgot my house keys. Oops...

So I am pulling a Gideon. Yeah, Gideon as in, "God, it is now or never. What do you want from me?". Stepping away from normal life AKA removing myself from *ahem* friends and seeking what His will is. I have until Tuesday night at 10:10. So, prayer would be appreciated.

Attempting to humble my prideful self and seek his face...

No Words

Sometimes there is nothing to say.

Listen to "Rescue" here.

Wednesday!

My "room" felt like an area with a bed in it, so I decided to do a bit of fixing up. I singlehandedly carried several articles of furniture to the shed we have outside. In its place, I put up some shelves and my CD holder. Now I can actually put my textbooks, notebooks, Bible, school supplies, and so forth somewhere. It is great! Now it feels like a room. I still miss my desk and bookshelf, but that may come at a later time.

At 9:45 I had already taken a calculus quiz, a chemistry test, driven to another city, heard a fantastic song, learned how to implicity differentiate a function, ate some cereal, had a muffin, and did my hair. The merits of getting up early...

I signed up for my fall classes. My schedule will be much more busy than this and last semester. Honestly a little hard to imagine, but at least I will have no math classes. I am already starting to pray for God to provide a job for next semester that fits in with my busyness. I will be taking cell biology, and its lab, human anatomy and physiology, and its lab, ichthyology (study of birds), and its lab, and organic chemistry with its lab. I go from on lab this semester to four. Wow...O chem should be interesting. It is a 2 day a week 3 hour lab. And it's only two credits. How tragic is that...:)

Perfect love is casting out fear...

No Words

I guess I thought once was enough. I didn't think I could ever do it again. There was nothing left in me that could go through that a second time. Taking my heart and jumping up and down on it a few times--one opf those was good for me. I got over it, and by His strength, I moved on. I swore it would never happen again.
So much for promises. I'm not quite angry though. I appreciate the honesty, despite how much it hurts. Knowing is better than not knowing and finding out later. What hurts is what I thought could have been. I guess that is where my downfall came in. Delving into the realm of what might be. I did it once again and what I now feel to be inevitable happened.
What I hate is the process of getting over it. It perpetuates all areas of life, and I just feel like I can't stand up under that again. First is being sad and missing it. Then comes anger which I don't want. I don't want to be angry. I just want it back...Or maybe I wish it never happened. I don't know how that can be when this decision was made. Someone else was "better". That is why it couldn't work. It all had to be held back, because the feelings for someone else were still there. What a concept. Why am I not ripped apart by that? Why am I only ripped apart by the fact that I will miss the "I miss you". Why am I only thinking about the fact that in every minute I wasn't doing something it was on my mind? I thought it went both ways, but I guess that went for someone else. Was I there just to fill the time?

Friday

Well, I only have seven more days as a normal person. As of 2 o'clock next Friday I will have a resistance to malaria and yellow fever. He he...This makes me laugh. I am sure it will also make my mom happy as she is not in favor of me going to Africa and coming back with some "tropical disease". Well, I guess I am opposed to it also.

If I haven't made my opinion clear yet, let me go crystal...GROUP WORK AT THE COLLEGE LEVEL SHOULD BE ABOLISHED FROM THE FACE OF THE PLANET. And that better not be clear as mud. I'm serious. This is crazy ridiculous. I don't need the help of three other people who could care less about grades to help me assign pedigrees to a dozen cats, make crosses, etc, etc. Well, sure it would take me five times as long, but I have a feeling the grade would be better. Another opportunity to put things in God's hands.

.....

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 1 Corinthians 4:17

I've never had something quite this difficult in my life before. I thought last semester was crazy. That was a piece of cake compared to this. Introduce actual living people into the mix and all of life becomes a whole different ball game.

Striving for holiness without which no one will see the world.
I've been asking God what this means. I never quite understood before. I finally do and realize how much harder it is to put into practice than I thought it would be.

Boasting in my weaknesses.
This is another one I thought would be easy. No way. The fear of rejection and judgement gets in the way all together too much.