Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
I have a frustration. That frustration is when people update the world every waking minute with their multitude of uncontrolled feelings. My preference is a "feelings in control" type of existence. With the whirlwind of life going on the past few months, I have utterly failed in my attempts to "control life". Sounds suspiciously of God showing more of his greatness to me...
Anyway, because of my propensity to insist on control, I think I fail to be honest with how I feel or what is going on. I may say things are hard, but I'll be okay. This is true, but in all honesty, sometimes it doesn't really feel like it will all be okay. I have decided to attempt a new approach to this crazy phenomenon entitled life. Balance! Hehe....a novel idea, I'm sure. Anyway, a balance between being up front and honest with people about what is going on and working through the things that are going on in order to come to a healthy, correct place.
So, here goes the attempt at balance.....
#1-Frustration: It feels like my best friends have moved to another country. I suppose they sort of have. To the country of "Ihaveaboyfriendnow". My 2 besties are utterly happy in relationships that started in the past 1 to 3 months. And my sis, E, is also happy with her awesome guy who rocks the mullet. :) I am happy for them. I pray for growth and blessing in those relationships, but I admit some frustration at the timing of their blessings. Selfish? Most possibly yes, but I feel like I have never wanted a friend more than I do now, and they are most definitely otherwise occupied. Everyone has their significant other except mine who is also in another country. This one called "Navyshipshavezerowaystocommunicate".
I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
#2-People just don't get it. I understand that most of the world has never done this, so you have an excuse to be idiotic, but please understand, world, that you piss me off sometimes. Just because my husband is "only" gone for 6 months doesn't make it a million times easier. I miss him even when he isn't in Afghanistan, a more dangerous place than he is now. Please don't think I am exaggerating when I talk about missing him.I know we've only been married a few months, but that doesn't mean I don't notice most hours of the day that I am alone, without my other half with me or somewhere closer than a few continents away. I am sorry you and said significant other had an argument, but, honestly, I would give just about anything to have an argument with my guy right now. It would be a priviledge to talk to him. Even if we were yelling a little bit.... :) I hold it together well most of the time, but I will admit to feeling like I'm losing it.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
#3-God, sometimes I feel like you don't "deserve" my trust. Okay, before I get "struck by lightning", let me clarify. I know that what I feel doesn't make sense, but sometimes I honestly just feel that way. Where are you in some of these thing that happen? B going missing and then learning a few days later we will never see her smile again. S's baby desperately clinging to life. Seeing people we love struggling with pain and sickness. Girls counting down the days only to learn their guy is never coming back. What does your sovereignty mean in all of this madness? Sometimes it is extra hard to see you, God....
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Daddy Daughter Dance
Too fun!!! :) Thanks, Daddy.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Can I be brutally honest? Stop saying the things that I know I should say or do the things that I know I should do and just have a freak out session. No, I'm not really asking permission. I'm just issuing a warning.
Could one thing go right? Please? Just one thing? God, I don't get why you are doing all of this. None of it makes sense. I keep hearing all about your love and how I can trust you and how you will always be there for me, but honestly, I totally don't feel it right now. At all. Everything is falling apart. People are falling apart. The world feels very heavy and sad. And I am struggling to find hope. And once I finally admit I need someone, there seems to be nobody there. So far all I've been successful at is a wild attempt to stay so busy I forget my problems. But that has failed miserably. My problems merely crash into my brain while I am sleeping. I try to steel myself and figure out a time frame of the amount of days I have to push through. But I fall on my butt the minute I realize how long I would have to be strong for.
God, I don't know what you're shooting for. I'll be honest: I give up. I give up on saying the right thing at the right time. I give up on words that have no meaning. I give up on a fake smile. I cling to the hope that it will be better and there will be rest. That you will speak and the world will be as it should be with people in the places they should be. Until then, I leave the rest up to you. You have to show up and help.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Confessions of a Twenty-Something Anti-Drama Queen
On my way to Springs Friday night, I pulled the ultimate female version of the bachelor. One, I get off work around 4:45. Although I had showered that morning after PT, I felt as if I could use another shower after hugging dogs all day. My sixth sense told me that the people I would be seeing in Colorado Springs that night wouldn't be the biggest fan of "El Doggie" perfume direct import from GA Health Care....So, rather than drive "all the way" across town to my during the week home to shower, I took a more direct route to the university gym. Where I proceeded to take a shower at the girl's locker room. I picked the perfect time-theoretically after girl's softball got out and before all the rock climbers-before the showers were rampant with people. So, I could shower in the barracks-esque showers in peace and privacy. My female version of the bachelor varies in that a bachelor may not have given a rip or a thought to the last point.
Part two: I had some time before I needed to be in Colorado Springs. And I was hungry. So for a grand total of three dollars and 4 something cents, I got a double cheeseburger, sundae, and french fries from the infamous Mickey D's. And I sat in a booth, eating my grease, reading a book, and halfway watching McDonald's TV which is not a fictional notion by the way...
Part 3 of my night isn't so much bachelorette as it is creepy ghost-town like. I had an appointment for an MRI at 7:15 at Fort Carson. 7:15 as in 1915. As in 7:15 pm. Weird....Anyway, I finally find the correct entrance after walking around the whole entire hospital, trying to find my way through the construction maze. I walk in and find a soldier receptionist lady. She points out the MRI wing to me. I walk in and feel like I have entered a Halloween version of House, just waiting for some zombie anesthesiologist to jump out and kill me with a scalpel. After wandering around the dark halls a bit, an x-ray technician finds me and tells me to wait in a waiting room. A dark waiting room with no one else in it. So I wait....And wait....A while later, the MRI tech comes and finds me and leads me down another dark hall. Now, conspiracy is going through my head! ;) In any case, I got some scrubs on, entered the MRI tube, listened to cool alarm like noises for twenty minutes, almost fell asleep, and was suddenly done.
The end. :)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Ooops, I did it again....
So, there it is. Uniform-not camis-minus the kevlar (helmet), LBE (hot looking suspenders with canteens and ammo pouches hanging off of it), and 30 pound ruck sack we normally have with it. Oh, and minus the rifle too. I'd probably get voted off the island if I posted a picture including the weapon....
Story of the day starts at PT. So, I've done workouts with medicine balls before. At fight club, we used to run across the room with someone about 7 feet apart, throwing them back and forth. Well, PT this morning included medicine balls, but in a very violent manner. Instead of being thrown to me, it was being thrown at me. Both of my the insides of my arms look like a red pen was taken and scribbled all over them. So much for that invincible thing I guess.....