What is there to say?

It feels like I'm never going to sleep again. For once in my life, I legitimately have something to be afraid of, and I am not sure how to handle it. Obviously, internalizing it doesn't work. I wish I could provide the reassurance, but there is none. I wish I had answers, but there are none. One minute I am so happy that something great has happened to me. The next minute I wonder why it happened, because it is so close to walking out the door.

Sure, anyone can say that they trust God. Anyone can say my life is in His hands. Or someone else's life is in His hands. It is whole different ball game to have to actually do it. That feeling of helplessness is endlessly frustrating. I'm torn between trying to be a source of strength, knowing I can't be and wanting to shrink and be five again to not think about these things, knowing I can't do that either.